The Scarcity of True Friendly Fire

While preparing for a workshop on tolerance for the recent E3 pastor’s conference, I reread one of the more fascinating essays I’ve seen on the subject: I Can Tolerate Anything Except the Outgroup.

While there are some flaws/blind spots in his assessment, I find the ending especially intriguing. Earlier in the essay, the author distinguished between your in-group (the group where you feel at home and consider yourself a member) and your outgroup (the group distinct/different from you and your group). But the outgroup we tend to be most concerned about is the one closest to us with minor (but seemingly significant) differences. This outgroup tends to be the one you fight with the most (or are the least likely to tolerate), a phenomenon labeled the narcissism of small differences.

At the end of the essay, the author highlights something that is often missed—how hard it is to truly criticize your own group, especially publicly.

I had fun writing this article. People do not have fun writing articles savagely criticizing their in-​group. People can criticize their in-​group, it’s not humanly impossible, but it takes nerves of steel, it makes your blood boil, you should sweat blood. It shouldn’t be fun.

You can bet some white guy on Gawker who week after week churns out “Why White People Are So Terrible” and “Here’s What Dumb White People Don’t Understand” is having fun and not sweating any blood at all. He’s not criticizing his in-​group, he’s never even considered criticizing his in-​group. I can’t blame him. Criticizing the in-​group is a really difficult project I’ve barely begun to build the mental skills necessary to even consider.

I can think of criticisms of my own tribe. Important criticisms, true ones. But the thought of writing them makes my blood boil….

If you think you’re criticizing your own tribe, and your blood is not at that temperature, consider the possibility that you aren’t.

In other words, a person who seems as though he is criticizing his ingroup is often actually criticizing the outgroup he looks down on the most—the one closest to him. If the author is right, that means most articles like “The Problem of Evangelical Voters,” “Why Aren’t Christians More Compassionate,” or “The Anti-Intellectualism of Fundamentalism” are not taking aim at people/groups the author embraces. Those authors may claim to be evangelical, Christian, fundamentalist, etc. but they would be very tempted to immediately qualify with something like “But I’m not that kind of evangelical/Christian/fundamentalist.” They are not actually criticizing their own group but the outgroup they are least likely to tolerate.

The fact that most criticism doesn’t actually come from within our group should not surprise us. We’ve likely experienced and/or embodied the dynamic of “I can talk bad about my family, but you can’t.” Which means we are not likely to criticize “our family” in a forum/setting where others who are antagonistic to our group will listen in. We don’t want to “air our dirty laundry.”

This means that the person constantly firing off missives about your group’s problems is not really your friend/ally. While they may have some legitimate concerns for you to ponder, there is a good chance they are speaking to you from a heart of self-righteousness rather than genuine love.

Conversely, if someone from your own group offers a criticism, consider what they are saying carefully, since it is intended for your good. “Wounds from a friend can be trusted.” (Prov 26:7)

Further, you should consider whether your criticisms and “attacks” might be better directed to a more significant enemy than the one you find yourself the most fired up about. Granted, the proximity of your closest “outgroup” might make them a greater threat to the health of your group, but your misgivings might be more stoked by minor differences than true dangers, and your familiarity with them might cause you to miss the graver dangers beyond them. Take time to evaluate whether the issues you are fighting about and the groups you are critiquing are truly worthy of those efforts.

Finally, make sure the group you are least likely to tolerate is not one that you should actually be most likely to tolerate—other members of your church. The brother or sister in your church who may be too concerned about political issues, or not concerned enough, or who wants socialized health care, or wants to completely privatize it, or who holds a little more loose approach to entertainment, or is a bit too buttoned down, or who sends their children to the public schools, or homeschools them, etc. is the kind of person you are to bear with in love, i.e., tolerate (Eph 4:2), and to welcome, as Christ has welcomed you (Romans 15:7).